Cat Fight 101
by DoctheWriter
Summary: Battle of the Ex-es. Ever wonder what Buffy would look like pulling out Cordelia's hair? *insert evil laugh*


Title: Cat Fight 101  
Author: Doc SpikeandCordysuck@eternal.ws  
Disclaimer: I'm just playing with them...I'll give them back in a lil  
while...HONEST!  
Dedication: To all those in favor of B/A and opposed to the b.s. that is B/S  
and the absolute crusty-ness of A/C  
Distribution: You can take it, just don't put it on any sites my parents  
might visit...haha.or my grandmother, or my sister or my anything...LOL  
Timeline: After everything...and then some  
Rating: Um, we'll leave this open b/c you never know what my ever lovin,  
crack overdosed, alcohol swimming, psychologist needin, B/A lovin,  
freakishly weird mind will come up with.yes, you're going to see a new side  
of Doc! Oh YES! Teehee. But we'll say R for language and a reference to a lil romping between Spike and Buffy (don't worry, Angel kicks his butt!!)  
Summary: Ever wonder what Buffy would look like pulling all of Cordy's hair  
out? Mwahahahaha  
AN: Apologies to all you B/Sers and A/Cers...oh wait...I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!  
Hahaha  
Feedback: Is Angel dead sexy? Is Buffy kick ass? Does Cordy need to LEAVE?  
Anyone want Spike to be an actual villain again? hehe...All of the answers  
to these are yes...Now, compare this answer with that of the Feedback  
answer. If you have no, scribble it out and put yes. Are we clear?  
  
Enjoy....  
  
______________________________________________________________________  
  
Buffy sat in her bedroom, bored as hell. She couldn't believe that all of  
her friends had gone out without her.  
_Oh well, the life of a Slayer I guess._  
She stole a glance at the window and noticed the full moon and clear sky.  
_You know some demon or vamp has got something cookin tonight._  
She grabbed her keys and headed out. It was the perfect temperature outside.  
There was barely a hint of chill in the air, a reminder that fall was not  
far away. She walked towards Weatherly Park and heard someone fall into step  
behind her.  
"Spike, why can't you just say 'hello' like a normal person?"  
The foot falls stopped and she turned to see the peroxide vamp staring at  
her, lust in his eyes.  
"Boy Slayer, you sure do know how to push a blokes buttons. I'm starting to  
think you paint your clothes on."  
"Spike, shut up. Before I kick your ass and make you apologize."  
She turned and started towards the park again.  
"So, what evil are we going to put a stop to tonight?"  
She just glanced at him and continued on.  
"You know I don't need you. You can run along now and play with your demon  
friends."  
"Ooh, baby wants to play."  
She stopped dead in her tracks and punched him in the nose.  
"I don't want to play," she said as he lay on the ground, holding his nose,  
staring up at her like a deer in headlights. She turned and began walking  
again.  
"And don't call me baby," she threw over her shoulder.  
She finally made it to the park and did a sweep. Nothing.  
"What, everyone hears that Buffy doesn't have plans and you all scurry away  
to hide?"  
She heard a branch break behind her and she grabbed her stake, turning to  
attack her assailant. He grabbed her arm and pressed her against the nearest  
tree. His lips found hers and locked onto them in a heated kiss. She moaned  
in protest and tried to push him off, but he was not to be turned away. She  
gave into the kiss slightly and her chest heaved for breath when he began to  
trail his lips down her cheek, to her neck. She again tried to push him off  
of her.  
"Come on Slayer. You know you want it just as much as I do."  
She gave into him once again and lay there as he had his fun, waiting for it to all be over. And then, finally, it was over and he got up and put his clothes back on and gave the disheveled slayer one last look.  
"See you next time, baby."  
Buffy lay there on the ground, starring up at the stars. Why did she keep  
letting him do this to her? She picked herself up off the ground and straightened her clothes a bit and started for home.  
_That's enough excitement for one night._  
Her stomach turned a little and she sucked in a breath. She stopped for a  
minute and looked around. Only one thing...person could make her do that. She  
ran.  
  
Angel burst through the doors of the Pink Flamingo hotel and flopped down on  
the bed.  
"Hey boss, what's with the long face?"  
Angel gave Gunn a look and went back to brooding.  
"Whatever man."  
Gunn went back to snuggling on the bed with Fred, watching Deep Rising.  
Cordelia waltz through the door, bags on wrist and flopped down in the  
squeaky chair. She shed all of her bags and sighed heavily.  
"Man, that shopping can wear ya out."  
She looked at Angel, who had come to find the wall straight ahead of him  
incredibly interesting.  
"Angel? Earth to broody vampire."  
He looked at her, his features hard.  
"Huh?"  
"What's up with you? You were all happy go lucky this morning and now what?  
Oh I know. Being back in Sunnydale. It makes everyone unhappy."  
He turned back to stare at his very interesting wall.  
"Angel, you can't just brood you know. We're here for a reason. You decided  
that you wanted to talk to Buffy and me, Gunn and Fred all came for moral  
support, remember?"  
He glanced at her and then went back to staring at his wall.  
"Hey man, don't make me use my glow worm trick on you. I really don't wanna  
be having to get Angel-ashes out of my clothes for the next week."  
"Cordelia, could you please shut your mouth."  
She huffed and got up and stomped out of the room, slamming the bathroom  
door.  
"Angel man, that was harsh."  
He looked at Gunn and got up off the bed.  
"I'm going back out. Don't expect me til dawn. Tell Cordelia I'm sorry."  
He slammed the door behind him and started back out into the night.  
_Who does she think she is, screwing Spike of all people. I mean, I know  
she's hurting and everything since she's been back, but this is just too  
much. When I find that bastard I'm gonna stake his no good sorry ass on the  
spot._  
He started towards the graveyard, thinking that was most likely where  
Spike's lair would be. He checked a few mausoleums and decided he'd rather  
talk to Buffy.  
_Although staking Spike sounds better at the moment._ He made his way  
through the abandoned streets of Sunnydale towards her house. He saw the  
lights on in the Magic Box and decided to peak in a window. Willow, Tara,  
Xander, Anya and Dawn were all seated around a table. Willow was stroking  
Tara's hair and Xander and Anya were arguing about something. Dawn looked  
totally uninterested in everything and rolled her eyes at the two couples.  
He looked around to make sure Buffy was nowhere in site and opened the door.  
The five people all looked at him, shocked.  
"Angel?"  
He smiled at Willow. She got up and ran to give him a hug.  
"Angel!"  
Dawn squealed and joined Willow.  
"Dead Boy! Nice to see you again. What brings you back to our humble town  
that you so often leave."  
Angel scowled at him and Xander smiled.  
"Where's Buffy?"  
"She's out."  
"I'm right here."  
He turned to see his ex standing in the doorway to the shop, not looking  
very happy.  
"What are you doing here?"  
"I need to talk to you."  
"Then talk."  
"In private."  
"No, you can talk here."  
"Oh, so you want your friends to know you were screwing Spike in the park  
tonight?"  
The Scoobies gasped and Buffy looked like she was going to stake Angel on  
the spot.  
"You bastard! How dare you."  
Buffy almost fell as Cordelia ran through the door of the shop, trying to  
stop and almost knocking Buffy down in the process.  
"Angel! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to yell at you."  
"Cordelia?"  
She looked around the room at her old friends.  
"Oh, hey guys. Long time no see. Guess what? I'm a demon now. Who'd a thunk  
right?"  
"I could have guessed," Willow raised her hand.  
"Come to think of it, you've always had a demon type personality," Anya  
smiled.  
"That's a good thing."  
Xander just began to laugh uncontrollably.  
"Cordy? A demon? What did you do? Piss off the PTB's or something?"  
She huffed and grit her teeth.  
"I'll have you know that I sacrificed my humanity to save Angel. I love  
him."  
Everyone gasped.  
"You love MY Angel?"  
Buffy just stared at Cordelia. The girl turned to face the Slayer.  
"Yes, I do. You know he's not always just going to wait around to become  
human so he can be with you. You're history Buffy, get over it. He has."  
Angel stepped in.  
"Buffy, just listen. Some things have happened and I just felt I needed to  
come and see you, to talk. I thought you'd be out on patrol, so I started  
looking for you and I found you with Spike. Obviously you've moved on. I  
think I may be in love with Cordelia."  
"YOU? In love with, with THAT!"  
"Angel, its Cordy!" Willow stomped her foot for emphasis.  
"She's changed, really."  
"Yea for the worst."  
"What was that Xander Harris?"  
"Oh nothing, your Demon-ness."  
"Come on Angel, let's just go. It's obvious that we're not wanted here."  
"Cordy, just hang on a minute. Buffy, please, let's just sit down and talk  
this out."  
Cordy just looked at Angel then turned to go, body checking Buffy on the way  
out.  
"You freakin whore."  
Buffy jumped on the girl and threw her to the ground. She slapped her twice  
across the face and grabbed her hair, pulling hard.  
"Ow! Buffy! You bitch!"  
Cordelia tried to get a slap in, but Buffy blocked her hand.  
"You try that again, and you're goin home bald."  
Right about then Spike walked in.  
"I heard some commotion and decided to come and see what was goin on. Oh,  
Peaches.GREAT! Ooh! Cat Fight!"  
Angel lunged at Spike and started to pummel him into a bloody pulp.  
"You know Spike, you could at least try to fight back."  
"Yea, but then you'll just hurt me worse."  
Angel growled.  
"Oh believe me, I'm goin to hurt you all right."  
Willow, Tara, Xander, Anya and Dawn watched from the sidelines, mouths  
agape.  
Buffy and Cordelia were going at it like two cats in a tub of water and  
Angel was beating Spike senseless as he just lay there. Spike caught a punch  
to Angel's jaw and managed to throw him off. But that only lasted two  
seconds. Angel was back on him, beating him senseless again when he felt  
himself being pulled away.  
"Part!" Willow screamed and the four flew against separate walls.  
"What the hell has gotten into you four?"  
"Looks like a battle of the Exes. You guys really should be more adult about  
this."  
Buffy fumed.  
"Willow, lemme down now so I can finish beatin that bitches ass."  
"No, I'm not letting any of you down until you all agree that there will be  
no more hitting."  
Willow looked around the room at the four adults. Cordelia was bloody and  
her hair was a mess, some lying on the floor. Buffy wasn't too bad, a  
scratch here and there and a red handprint on her face. Angel didn't look  
too bad, having only taken one punch, and Spike looked well, much, much  
worse than Cordelia.  
"Angel, I can't believe you were involved with that ho."  
Angel looked at Cordelia as best he could.  
"Do not call Buffy a ho."  
She fumed.  
"You're actually sticking up for that bitch. She nearly killed me."  
"You could stand to get a good ass whoopin every once in a while."  
"Well! I never."  
Spike lifted his head to try and see Buffy, but his eyes were too swollen.  
"Buffy, why'd you let Angel wail on me like that?"  
"Because you deserve it. I don't want to ever feel your hand on me again. I  
belong to one vampire, and its NOT you."  
"You bitch. I love you and all you ever do is tell me how great Angel is."  
"She's right you know, if I ever hear about you touching her again, I'll  
personally stake you myself."  
"Sod off Poof."  
Willow just stared at the four people in front of her.  
"You guys ready to come down yet?"  
"Yes," they all shouted in unison.  
"Are we going to try and kill each other any more?"  
"Yes!"  
"Fine, have it your way."  
  
  
2 hours and 460 insults later.  
  
"Bitch."  
"Bastard."  
"Whore."  
"Asshole."  
The Scoobies had grown tired of the endless stream of insults and decided to  
take refuge in the training room. Xander rubbed his stomach.  
"I'm hungry."  
"Me too."  
"Will, go let em down so we can go eat."  
"Yea, they won't kill each other. Well, Buffy and Angel won't. I can't say  
it looks good for Cordelia and Spike."  
Willow muttered a spell and they heard four loud thumps in the next room.  
"Ow!"  
Cordelia fell on her butt and scooted against the wall. Buffy landed on her  
feet, as did Angel, and Spike who was too weak to stand, fell to the floor  
and stayed there.  
Buffy and Angel looked at each other and smiled.  
"What were we thinking with those two?"  
"Cheap excuses for one another?"  
"Sounds good enough."  
"I'm sorry about everything."  
"Ditto. What say we blow this Popsicle stand?"  
"Sounds good to me."  
And they walked off into the twilight.  
"Hey, Angel. You can't just leave me here."  
"Shut up Spordelia," the couple threw over their shoulders in unison.  
Yes, it was looking to be a bright future..

The End

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